My A List

Here is my Christmas list. It is not a list of more stuff of which I really don't need but lust over. It is a list of things I really want to give to the deserving people who need it.

A sense of smell for my husband. He has odor enough to spare but not the ability to taste flavor through his nasal cavity. It would help him locate his dirty socks, mildewy towels and the package of raw shrimp he once forgot in his suit case for the weekend that I mistook as a dead body. Silent stinkys do smell honey, yes they do. We all know it is you.

For K1, I want to give him a butt. I am so tired of seeing his boxers and heavens knows a belt doesn't work on my son. He does not need an ass like a porch, or to be draggin a wagon, just a little junk in his trunk to keep his pants were they belong. And yes, his stocking will be stuffed with new undies for me to admire in the mean time.

I want an off button for K2. I would settle for a dimmer switch if I could find one. Perhalps a time freeze ray just so I could slow him down on occasion and do a quick pressure wash on him and a hair cut. Then again he is growing up so fast, and travels at the speed of light so I might aim it at the the wrong kid by mistake and beautify my neighborhood in the process.

For my flower Sis, I want to send her to the jungle. Concrete jungle. I soo want to bust her out of her busy plant filled shop and take her into the big city for a cultural exchange and sightseeing journey. We might even bag us some suit wearing executives or exotic art contisours as we sip our chocolate martinis. Don't tell the Hubbys. Ironical her husband is also names Hubby. Us munkay women are attracted to spouses named Hubby.

For my boss, the cheese natzi, I want a giant fondue set. I'm going to spear her on a huge fork undo dunk her in it for not giving me any time off during the holiday.

For my friend, Gym Mitch I want a little sports car. One that he can do reps with so he does not have to pick me up and throw me into his jacked truck if I need a ride. His way to work out and impress me. Maybe a MG Midgit to increase his flexibility.

For the Dove chocolate company, I want to give them the perfect new taste tester for their products. I will put in a hard eight hours of chewing for them every day.

For my Mafia transplant drug company suppliers, I want to give a conscious. They have all the money they can ever hope to use by charging my such astronomical prices to be dependent on their product. What more could they possibly need?

RJ Mitch needs to have his funny bone hit more often. Better yet I want the ability to find and hit it. I once, swear to God, seen this man bump his elbow on the edge of the table. He then instantly broke into hysterical laughter. Ten minutes later when he was able to breath and stop drooling he told he had hit his funny bone. Man to have the power to find that spot and whack it whenever I wanted.

For the Washington/Chisago county I would like to give back all the speeding tickets they were so very generous to give me over the past year. They could recycle a lot and save all that need for my fines in the cost of paper alone.

For my neighbor, Shirtless Dude, I want an unremovable outer garment. His six pack is a good incentive for me to run in the summer months, but I don't care if his garage is heated or not, seeing that in December is just disturbing. Maybe just an automatic garage door opener. I will keep the controls in my pocket.

Norman Mitch needs a new beard-do. I'm picturing lots of braids with green and red beads. Specificly the beads I have right here. Say the word, Norman, say the word.

X-ray vision is needed for the lab tech's who draw my blood every month. Maybe after eight attemps to find blood in my arms and hands they would know they are not going to locate a vein in between my toes. Then again they make their living probing people with sharp instruments and trunicates.

For my Rock, a book on polyamory to help him understand it is perfectly reasonable for me to have and love both him and Jonny. I know in his heart he wants me happy.

I know now I have only a couple more days of shopping left to find these much needed items. If any of you can hook me up, please let me know. You will be well rewarded with chocolate and malt liquor.